Stress/Terror.

It certainly does seem that bad news likes to multiply. You get one bit of bad news, and then more bits pop up. For example, few days after my mom called to tell me my grandpa has passed away (still can't write that without crying), Ben's mom called to tell us his grandma wasn't doing so well. And then she died within the same week.

Well...today we got some very vague news that may mean Ben didn't pass one of his classes, which would mean paying to $300 to retake it next semester, essentially just to turn in a paper he has already done. This is after he is already going to lose part of his scholarship for reasons I won't go into here. I think everything will be covered still with loans, but we had other plans and it stresses me out. Plus, he didn't do great grade-wise this semester, and if his GPA drops low enough he could get academic suspension, or probation and have to spend even more time and money on school.

Then, I went on to the website for my student loans to pay my monthly bill. As soon as it opened to my loan summary page, my stomach flipped and my heart dropped. I am on a "stair-step" plan with my loan. Which means I pay one amount for a while, and then after a certain amount of time, they increase the payment amount. I guess the length of time is two years. Guess how long I've been paying on my loans? Instead of paying my bill and having about $120 left in our account, we don't have enough in our checking account to cover it. We have some other money that will take care of it, and Ben just got paid $125 for preaching over the weekend. I suppose the fact that the those numbers are almost exactly the same should awe and encourage me, but I have to be honest, it doesn't. I am scared.

Now, I know we are a lot better off than so many people, but I am still scared. You know that annoying, hhhhmmpph, encouraging person who says, "God will take care of it," and seems to have ooodles of faith for these situations? I am not that person. Instead, I married that person. Ben has so much more faith in money matters than I do, and I really am thankful for that. I know I should do what he tells me, which is to trust and pray. It is so hard, but I am trying. I am praying.

It's definitely been a while...

And what's been happening you ask? Death, birth, and life.

My grandpa died. Ben's grandma died.

I attended two births. One I was at for 50 hours, one I was at for one hour (technically I was there longer, but I was only there an hour before the baby was born).

Ben and I are struggling to get him through this semester. He is very burnt out. I just want him to pass everything, with what doesn't matter at this point. Next semester is his last semester if all goes well, and I am SO ready. What comes next? We don't really know. Perhaps Colorado and Ben being an electrician, perhaps staying here. But I am looking forward to a new chapter.

I'm going to work more hours at my office job and I get to quit my cleaning job (hooray!).

Christmas will be in Moberly again, but we will be in Colorado for a week over New Years.

Ben is supposed to start supply preaching over Christmas break, which should be interesting. I think it will be an adventure.

Spiritually, emotionally, mentally...I don't know. In some ways I'm growing I think, but I often find myself in ruts.

Ben and I certainly have never been closer than we are now. Everything we've gone through the past six months or so have knit us much tighter. We've been lonely, we've had to grieve, we've been stressed and overwhelmed. But we have supported and loved each other through all of it. We've spent a lot of time together and have had a lot of fun with each other. He is a huge blessing in my life.

Two new buddies!

I'm well on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady. We adopted two little kittens, so now we have three...



This Darcy McTaggart, AKA Darcy.



And this is Solomon Greybeard, AKA Greybeard.

Scurvy was a bit wary at first, but he's starting to warm up to them. I think eventually he will be happy to have the company.

I have to say, if I am a crazy cat lady, Ben is a crazy cat man. Unfortunately the stigma is only attached to me. Oh well. We love our new little kitties, but how could you not love those little faces?

Crafty Time!

Ben mentioned that he wanted a basket or something to put the stuff he keeps on his dresser in. I checked at Goodwill the other day and didn't find what I wanted. Then I searched for DIY basket ideas, and still didn't find anything. As I was driving home from work today, it hit me! I'd seen bowls made out of old records, and that sounded like the perfect idea. We even had a record at home I could use. I googled how to do it. All the tutorials said to put it in the oven. I didn't really like the idea of putting plastic in the oven where I cook my food, so I tried to search out if it was unsafe, and wasn't satisfied that putting it in the oven was a good idea. I figured I would have to give up the idea, but I was disappointed. Then I thought, maybe I could use boiling water. The oven method only required heating it to 200 degrees. I thought it wouldn't hurt to try, so I did, and it worked!

This process was a little bit time consuming, but it wasn't difficult. If you try it you do need to be really careful so you don't burn yourself with the water or steam. I'm not sure about fumes being released into the air with this method, but I definitely didn't smell anything.

To do this project you need:

A record you don't care about.

Oven mitts.

A bowl.

A can (like a soup can. I used a can of chicken broth.).

Boiling water.

I had my kettle boiling and a pot of water boiling. I'm not sure how many times I ended up having to pour the water over it.

Put the bowl face down in your sink, with the record on top of it, and the can in the center of the record to keep it stable.


Pour the boiling water over it. I recommend concentrating on one side at a time. You will have a very few seconds after you pour the water where the record is pliable enough to bend. MAKE SURE YOU HAVE YOUR OVEN MITTS ON. This is very important. I don't want anyone to burn themselves. Bend the record down toward the side of the bowl.



Continue to boil, pour, and shape until you are satisfied with shape. I actually ended up switching to a smaller bowl so I could pinch the corners together more.





Here is it after I was finished shaping. It's not perfect, but I like how it came out.



I hot glued some fabric on the bottom of the bowl (although it's more like a tray really) to make it more stable, and I glued a piece inside so the stuff I put in it wouldn't slip and fall all the time.



I like how it turned out, and I like that I didn't fill my apartment with fumes or potentially poison anyone by tainting my oven with plastic.

Yummm.

When I heard Starbucks had a Mocha Coconut Frapuccino, I knew I had to try it. I love mocha and I love coconut. The town I live in doesn't have a Starbucks, so when I went to visit some friends at the beginning of summer, I made sure to swing by and pick one up. It was so delicious! Well, all summer I've wanted another one. But I rarely go places with a Starbucks, and even when I do I don't necessarily have a chance to get one. I've seen some recipes floating around the internets. None of them sounded exactly like something I wanted to try. So I decided to make up my own recipe, drawing a few elements from the other recipes. The first time I tried it, it was pretty good but needed some adjustments. The second time I made it, it was great! It's been a couple months since I tried the Starbucks version, so I can't vouch for how it matches up, but I do know it was delicious.

Here's what I used.


Toast your coconut on a baking sheet in the oven at 350 degrees for a couple of minutes. Make sure it's spread out in one layer, and I put foil on it so I don't have to wash it. Check it and stir it often, until it is golden. I toasted a good amount and put the extra in plastic bag so I didn't have to toast more every time.

Put about 5 ice cubes in your blender. Add 3/4 cup coconut milk, 1 tsp instant coffee, a good squeeze of chocolate syrup, and a splash of milk (I started without the milk, but it was little to thick without it). Blend until ice cubes are mostly blended in. I usually have a few little chunks left, but I don't have that great of a blender.

Pour into your glass, and top with whipped cream, chocolate drizzle, toasted coconut, and enjoy! It helps to have a straw to drink it.

Here is the finished product.


The picture is actually from my first attempt. The second time I didn't have that separation.

Some days...

Some days I just want to crawl in to my little hermit shell and never come out. I'm not sure what it is about some days. It's disheartening to have my emotions go up and down and to have to wade against the tide. It makes me pretty tired. Anyway, by tomorrow I'll probably be in a different mood.

Two posts in one day, crazy!

I saw a picture on Pinterest that had the quote "Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try." I like this quote because I have a real problem with trying. If I can't do things perfectly to start with, I give up.

So what am I trying right now? Meal planning. It may seem a little silly, but this has been something I've wanted to do, but have struggled with. There are some sites that you can pay for them to do it for you, which I wasn't opposed to. But the problem I found was that the sample recipes that they showed you to tempt you in, didn't sound like anything we would really like. So that route wasn't going to work.

So here's what I've been doing. Gathering recipes. Trying recipes. Starting a list of meals that we already know we like. Adding to the list as I go. Attempting to plan a couple of meals ahead of time for each week.

I'm not going to be able to plan our meals for a year, a month or even two weeks when I'm just starting out. To begin with, I don't have enough recipes. And it's something that takes work and practice. It's a habit to form. I'm feeling excited about my progress so far. I feel proud that I've stuck with it. I've looked through tons of recipes, and have gleaned a few from each search session. It takes time, but I think it will be worth it. And maybe someday all my hard work will help someone else.

Thankful.

For a roof over my head.

Food in my fridge.

My job.

A husband who I love, and who loves me.

My family and friends.

My cat.

Refreshing rain.

I have a tendency to be negative and pessimistic lately, and sometimes I forget how blessed I am, and how thankful I ought to be.

Coffee Cake

I inherited this old Betty Crocker cook book that has been in my family for...a while. I'm not sure how long. It is the First Edition Betty Crocker's Picture Cook Book copyright 1950! It's from the fifth printing of it, so I'm not sure how old my copy is.



It's a little dated in some ways, but it has some great recipes. One of my favorites is Streusel Coffee Cake. It's easy, delicious and is always a huge hit. Every time I make it, people rave about it.

The Recipe:

For the Cake

Mix
3/4 cup sugar
1/4 cup soft shortening (I use one stick of butter)
1 egg

Stir in
1/2 cup milk

Sift (I don't have a sifter so I just mix them with a fork in a separate bowl) together and stir in
1 1/2 cup flour
2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt

For the Streusel filling:

Mix together
1/2 cup brown sugar
2 tbsp flour
2 tsp cinnamon
2 tbs butter, melted
1/2 cup chopped nuts (I actually have never put nuts in mine. I'm not sure if I would like it.)

Pour half the batter into a greased 9 inch square pan. Sprinkle streusel filling. Spread the rest of the batter over filling (this can be a little tricky, and usually doesn't look perfect). Sprinkle rest of of streusel on top. Bake in a preheated 375 degree oven for 25 to 35 min. I never time things in my oven because it cooks fast, so I just check it.

This doubles really well. I usually double it because I'm usually making it for a bigger crowd, and seconds are often desired.



Next time you have a coffee cake type occasion, try it!

*Edit: I use one stick of butter when I double it. If you aren't doubling you would only use half a stick.

My buddy.

My husband and I have basically entirely opposite work schedules, and it really stinks. I work during business hours (8-5) Monday through Friday. He works 4pm to 1am, Friday through Monday. After two years of this, it's really beginning to get old. It's very lonely. But it's not as lonely as it could be, because I have my little buddy.



This is Scurvy.



He loves laying on the windowsill in the sun.




And playing with fan chains.




He loves running water.




And he's also very adventurous.




And he's pretty classy as well.




He's my little friend, and he keeps me company. It really makes a huge difference to have another living creature around on the lonely weekend nights.

Brain Dump.

I have so much going on in my mind lately.

I have a lot I want to do.

I had the idea to make a sort of "inspiration" poster kind of thing, but I'm having trouble starting. I want to have pictures, fabric, colors, phrases, etc. that inspire me glued onto, well cardboard probably, cause it's easily attainable. I was excited about it the whole time I was at work, but now that I'm home I feel kind of stuck.

Maybe my apartment layout is inhibiting me...but I probably shouldn't change it again. I'm trying so hard not to feel stifled in this place, but it is not easy.

I've also been thinking a lot about my doula business. And about friendships. And about God. And about...all sorts of things. My thoughts are all shooting off in a million directions like big, bubbling springs that I can't contain. It's difficult to work on any one thing when that is going on.

Dreaming

I am dreaming of...

Living in an adorable little house.

Having a garden, herbs and vegetables and flowers.

Making some sort of living doing what I love (being a doula and maybe a lactation consultant).

Having children.

Other than having my own doula business, being a stay at home mom.

Living somewhere beautiful.

Having a llama.

Working with Limitations.

I have to say, I feel pretty limited in where I currently am. It seems to stifle my creativity.

On a practical level, I live in a very small apartment. It is one room. And I really love it, but it does have it's drawbacks. We have one VERY SMALL closet. There just isn't much space to A. store materials for projects or B. actually do them. My slightly OCD nature makes it really difficult for me to leave materials and partially finished projects out in the my general living area where I have to see them all the time. So my choices are leave all the stuff out and try to ignore it when I'm not using it, or trying to put it all away and pull it out again every time I want to work on the project, which is not appealing in the least. However, I am trying to make the best of my resources. For example. We never eat at our table. So why not use my kitchen table for my sewing machine? Perhaps I will come up with other creative storage ideas along the way.

The other major limitation I find is that this town is pretty devoid of inspiration. There isn't much natural beauty, and it is lacking in cultural or artistic experiences to be had. This town is actually a very stagnant place. In fact, as perfect example, the most beautiful thing about this town is the downtown, which has really lovely, picturesque buildings. But for the most part they sit empty and unused. There is a neat old theater that is supposed to be getting renovated, but I don't think I've ever seen any work being done on it. It probably will never be finished because it will never get funded. This town just isn't interested in improving. Meanwhile, it seems like a new "payday loan" place springs up every month. It's sad. This town wants to be mediocre, and it's difficult not to just be mediocre along with it. It doesn't really foster creativity at all. At least in me. I've been checking out Craftgawker, however, and trying to draw inspiration from there. I also want to start reading more again (I've always loved reading, but have sort of gotten out of the habit). I figure if I don't put anything in, nothing is going to come out. So I want to try and look for inspiration where I can find it.

Another limitation is a lack of funds to spend on materials for projects (even for really cheap materials sometimes) and even if the funds are to be had, sometimes the materials are not. For example, if I wanted to cook a special meal, I might not be able to get the ingredients I needed. And the only craft type stores here are the small, local ones. And I would love to shop local and support them, but I honestly just don't have the money. And I can't make a trip half an hour away (which is where the nearest craft/decent grocery stores are) very often. But I do like to try and make do with what I have. We actually have a pretty decent Goodwill and Salvation Army here, and if I can get some ideas going, I can utilize them. Perhaps even draw inspiration from the items I find.

I've actually been working on a few projects today, and I have a few others in mind which I hope to debut in a future post.

I have great hopes that Moberly will not be my permanent home, but I'm starting to try to make the best of it while I'm here. It's taken me a while to come to that point, but I feel like I'm losing part of myself to Moberly, and it scares me. If I don't start going in the other direction now, I'm worried I may never escape this slow descent into mediocrity.

Hobbies.

I really need a hobby. I'm not sure what it will be. But I'm hoping to approach it with a new attitude. And by that I mean, not being a super perfectionist and giving up if I'm not immediately good at it. I'm going to try to do some research on the...internet. DUN DUN DUN...Let's see how this goes, shall we?

Holidays.

I think I'm starting to have a big dread of holidays. They are just kind of sad when you aren't with your family. Tomorrow is Mother's Day, and I miss my mom and my grandma. I haven't seen my grandma in almost two years (since my wedding). I used to see her multiple times a year. I really miss my family. I know my grandparents are getting older, and my grandpa has had some health problems. I hate being so poor that I can't visit them. Anyway. That's that.

Summer thoughts.

There is one more week of classes and then one week of finals. I think I'm more excited than Ben about this fact, but that is probably because I don't have to do all the end of the year projects he does.

I've been out of school for almost two years, but my life is still run by semesters and breaks.

Ben and I are supposed to start running this summer (it was his idea). It may sound crazy to start running when it's getting hotter out (at least it does to me. I hate being hot...or cold...) but it's because that's when he will actually have time. I'm looking forward to it, but I also know I'm going to hate it. But I bought some shoes, and as Ben says, "that's a commitment."

I'm looking forward to summer. We want to take a trip to a little town (Brunswick, MO) that is about an hour away. We drove through it on our way to the airport. It was lovely, with hills and neat old houses. They have a pecan festival in October that I think would be neat to go to.

We are going to have our second anniversary and I will turn 25 in June. That number sounds older than I feel.

I'm still struggling towards contentment. It is painful and difficult. It's hard to stop being selfish. I do feel I'm growing and getting better. I actually feel like I'm moving forward (though it is slowly) which seems like a victory.

The other day it was raining while it was sunny...and there was a beautiful rainbow...

Selfish.

I seem to be in a period of...I'm not sure what it is a period of actually. But I am coming face to face with my ugliness. I think this is a good time for me, though it isn't easy. I am really learning, and I want to be a better woman than I am. Oh how I hope that learning takes root and bears fruit in my life.

Basically, I'm realizing how lazy and selfish I am. Don't misunderstand me, I'm truly not just out to beat myself up, I'm not fishing for any cries of opposition. I'm a woman coming to terms with the sin that is in my life, and my need for God to do anything good.
Lately, I've been miserable. Somehow, I've managed to lose all my heart and focus to love and help others, and turned my focus inward. That is a sure formula for a miserable, unfulfilled life. TRUST ME.

As this becomes clearer to me, my question for God is...what's my next step? How do I change? I don't think that there is any splendid or surprising answer. I believe it will be in small, but difficult steps, doing what I already know to be right. Turning my heart and mind from myself to God and others. Friends, pray for me. Pray that I have the strength to win these small but important victories.

Contentment.

Being content is not something that is easy. I don't think it's something that we can ever perfect. I think it's one of those things, that just when you think you've managed to reach it, discontentment and restlessness comes sneaking up behind you. At least it's that way with me. And most of the time, I don't think I've reached it. I know I want the next thing, or something different.

I keep coming back to this, but one of the areas this is truest in my life is with having children. I'm satisfied with waiting...sometimes. I have my doula goal before me. And I have two clients to motivate me (it is unlikely/impossible that I could perform the duties I would need to pregnant). And it's just not the right season for us. But I see someone else's belly picture, and my resolve and patience go out the window. It's so weird.

The other area it's the biggest challenge is living in Moberly. I've been here on and off for college for 5 years, and consistently living here after graduating (Ben is still working on his degree) for close to two. It will end up being three post-graduation, with a grand total of 8 years (at least) when all is said and done. There are definite positives to my life here, but it has never been a place that I wanted to end up for good. It's never resonated as home. And I don't think it will be. Sometimes I'm content, and can even find the beauty around me. But sometimes...well, I just get tired of it and feel soooo ready to move on.

Anyway, all that being said, I do want to continue to strive to be content whatever my life circumstances are.

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength."

Philippians 4:12-13

Challenging verses. I haven't even had to deal with being hungry or being in need. There is always more selfishness in me that can be worked out.

Happy Home

Ben and I are *planning* on waiting to have children until he is finished with school. I also want to wait until I have completed my doula certification, because it would really hard to do while pregnant/being a new mom. Sometimes my motherly instincts overwhelm me, and I long to have children. To see the beautiful face of our (future) baby. To hug my own sweet little child close. When I think about having kids with Ben, one of the things that brings me joy is that I will be able to raise children in a happy home. I did not grow up in a happy home. I grew up in tension filled powder keg of emotions. I grew up never knowing when my brother or I would get in trouble, or what it would be that would set my dad off. I grew up knowing my parents weren't in love. I grew up with things that children should not be exposed to. I don't have a lot of happy childhood memories. I actually don't have a lot of childhood memories at all. I think I blocked or intentionally forgot things. I have mourned my lost childhood and moved on from it. But I think part of the redemption process for me will be giving my kids what I didn't experience. A childhood of good memories. Parents who love each other. A safe home. I know Ben is going to be a great dad. I hope and pray I will be a good mother.

Tea!

So I made the Himalayan Salted Butter Tea I referenced in my last post. It tasted like drinking Malt-O-Meal. It was weird at first, but after drinking some of it I liked it better. But I think next time I make it I will use less butter and more tea bags. Been liked it also. He may hate vegetables, but he likes to try new things like that with me. It's fun.

How sweet it is to be loved by him...

Sorry to be gooey, but this is one of those times when I just want to gush about my husband a little. He is so good to me. He cheers me up when I'm sad, encourages me to keep striving, tells me I'm beautiful all the time...and he handles my crazy like no one else could. I'm crazy about him and some days I just wish I could snuggle and drink tea with him all day long.


He's cute. This is one of my favorite pictures of him. It's very Ben-like.

Speaking of tea...I want to try a this recipe. It's described as tasting like "a bite of buttered toast followed by a mouthful of milky tea”. Mmmm...

And I found these neat tea things on Etsy.


From here.


From here.


From here.

Nice Weekend.

This weekend started out with going to see my friend Sara who was visiting from St.Louis. I went to a lifegroup that she was going to on Friday, and I figured it was going to be kind of awkward, but it actually turned out to be really fun and refreshing. It was really nice to see Sara, and I got to sit and talk with some ladies, some of whom I didn't know very well. We talked about what happened in our week and prayed for each other. And I found out my friend Molly was pregnant. I got to talk a little bit about being a doula, and she asked me to be hers! It was so exciting. And it was nice to talk to people who thought having a doula sounded awesome. They said some things that I would have said to defend/explain the purpose and usefulness of a doula, and it was awesome to hear that from other people. It can be discouraging when people say, "why would you need that?" or "isn't that what a husband is for?" These ladies just got it.

Then on Saturday I went to a ladies tea, and it was also encouraging and refreshing, and a lot of fun! I made scones, citrus curd, and cucumber sandwiches. It was my first time to make all those things, and they all turned out great! All my sandwiches got eaten and a good dent was made in my scones. I always feel good when people eat my food :) It was kind of stressful before the tea, because I had a slight disaster with my citrus curd (apparently your eggs need to be at room temp, and my recipe failed to mention this), I ran shorter on time than I thought, and my friend/neighbor who was supposed to go with me got a nail in her tire and had to get it repaired. But once we got to the tea, things were a lot better. We ate a lot of delicious food, played a pretty hilarious game, and I even won a prize! The "theme" of the tea was shoes, and I got the second most votes for having the best shoes. I won this really cute teacup tea light holder that was on our table.





Corey and I had actually been admiring it when we sat down, so I was really happy I won it! One of my friends gave an encouraging devotion about not comparing your "shoes" with other people. Basically, it was about being content and even excited about being yourself, and not comparing yourself with or criticizing others.

The major bummer of the weekend is laundry. I don't really mind doing laundry, but I have to go to the laundromat to do it and I hate it. I hate having to get my tons of laundry there and back again (especially since our apartment has a lot of stairs), and most of time I have to do it by myself because it's hard to find a good time for Ben to go with me. And they allow smoking in the laundromat. This is something I will never understand. Why allow smoking in a place where people are trying to get their clothes clean? Granted, my clean laundry never ends up smelling like smoke, I guess because I just leave once they are clean and dry. But whatever I am wearing and pretty much my whole person does smell like smoke. Gross. I need to do it today, but I really, really don't want to!

But tonight dinner is going to be homemade broccoli and cheese soup, salad with grilled chicken and homemade croutons! Yum!

Meal Planning...Who does it? I try, but seriously, it's hard. I was surprised. If anyone has tips, I would like some. My ultimate goal is to plan for a whole month! I've started out by doing a couple of meals a week. It works out well because we eat dinner with our friends/neighbors every night, and so usually I cook (or at least plan. We all kind of join in the cooking. Except Ben :) He's not much of a cooker) a couple meals, and they plan a couple. It makes it an easy transition into meal planning, but I still kind of have trouble sometimes.

I've worked out twice this week. Success! I've been doing (fast paced) walking on a treadmill. I like it. I was surprised that I felt good right away from doing it. I didn't today because my apartment was a disaster, and I was going to lose it if I didn't get it cleaned. But I will be back at it tomorrow. I definitely want to work in strengthening exercises for my arms and abs. Jessie posted some on the Being True blog. Check them out if you are looking for some stuff that is easy to do at home. I own weights and an exercise ball, so there is a lot of stuff I can do! I remember some stuff from a class I took at the Y while I was still in college as well. It feels great to be accomplishing a goal, and taking care of myself.

I haven't been self-reflective very much in my life recently. I used to self reflect all the time. So, that being the case I thought I would think of some facts about me. Since I'm unsure about who I am at the moment, maybe they will help me out. I hope at least they might make for somewhat interesting reading.

1. I love puns. I think they are hilarious and will laugh pretty hard at them.
2. I really hate talking on the phone. I'm generally awkward and don't really feel like I have anything to say.
3. The music that I like tends to usually have a melancholy sound. I find that type of sound really pretty. I used to be pretty melancholy, so I also used to find solace in music that resonated with my feelings.
4. I don't think I would actually be classified as obsessive-compulsive, but I really like to organize and for things to be organized. My fridge has to be organized in a certain way, or it stresses me out when I open it. I have to straighten up our apartment, and usually have to do the dishes before I can sit and relax. I like the bed to be made. I. Hate. Clutter.
5. I love rearranging my furniture. I rearranged my bedroom when I lived with my parents, I rearranged my dorm rooms, and I've rearranged our apartment at least 4 times in the year and a half we've lived in it.
6. I have an odd sort of perfectionism that comes out in me not doing anything unless I can do it perfectly. It keeps me from trying to do new things, or just things that are difficult.
7. I am a counselor. It's not a job I have, it's just who I am. I love to talk to people and try to help them. It just comes out of me naturally. But not if I'm in an office trying to be an official counselor. In that situation I freeze up and go blank.
8. I took ballet from before kindergarten until I was a sophomore in high school. I still love ballet, and if I could I would be a professional. Alas, I know this will never be. But I would like to take a class again.
9. I love donuts. Or doughnuts. Mmmmm. I want to get a donut pan so I can make them.
10. I'm a cat person. I find this surprising. But I love my cat's independence and self-sufficiency. He's cuddly, but he doesn't have to be on me all the time. He doesn't bark or freak out when I leave. I don't have to take him out to go to the bathroom. And while cleaning the litter box isn't my favorite, if you get good litter it isn't that bad. And he never goes anywhere else in the house but his box. He's great!

I hate breakfast.

It seems a weird jump to go from my last post to the one I want to write right now, but I'm gonna make it anyway.

So, I kind of hate breakfast. Well...that's not strictly true. If I could just wake up whenever my body decided to and make myself some delicious steelcut oatmeal (which takes about half an hour to cook) with cinnamon and brown sugar, I would love breakfast. But when I have to wake up and don't really want to, I hate breakfast. Usually I just don't feel very hungry, and so eating sounds awful. And let's be serious, I'm not going to get up early enough to make the oatmeal. Browsing foodgawker the other day, I was inspired. Smoothies! This could be the answer! I found this recipe. I think I'll try it. Maybe with different fruit, and perhaps with yogurt instead of soy milk. But I'm not afraid to try spinach in a smoothie! So there. Honestly, this sounds like a great solution to me.

I'll be honest...

Looking at myself right now, exactly as I am and where I've come and where I seem to be going...I don't like it. I don't like me. I'm not sure how I got here. Slowly but surely probably. I feel like this happens at least every couple of years. It makes me sad that I can't seem to do better.

I'm in a fair way to becoming a gossip. How ugly. That's not who I want to be. What am I doing?

I feel unsettled and purposeless. I want to give up. I'm tired. I'm more than tired, I'm weary.

I had my two weeks of busyness and they were tough, but I did enjoy them. I was looking forward to settling into my normal schedule. And then I got sick. And then I started my period. And I was left feeling overwhelmed and overly-emotional. I have a high-stress sort of personality as it is, and getting thrown off sends me spinning and feeling like I will never catch up. And then Ben got sick. And missed classes and work. Sigh.

I feel a sad loneliness when I think about friends who are far away, and know I don't really get to be a part of their life anymore. Friendship is hard. I'm not very good at. It's hard to start over with new ones. And my friend who lives next door and who is in almost the exact same place in life as me is going to Taiwan for 9 months. I'm really excited for her adventure, I just know I'll miss her a lot. Like I miss all my friends who have moved from Moberly.

I don't want to sound whiney, and I hope I don't. I'm not really feeling sorry for myself I promise. I'm really mostly just frustrated with myself. I don't think that there is anything wrong with my life that isn't my own fault. I feel pretty self-centered and soul/heart ugly lately.

This morning was beautiful. Still cold, but warm enough that the snow was melting and the streets were wet. The sun was out, and the sky was blue and streaked with clouds. There was something in that sky that contained just the smallest hint of the promise of spring. As I drove down a gravel country road to clean for an elderly lady, the houses, the snow, the sunshine all melted into a beautiful feeling that sank right through me into my cold bones and warmed them with joy and longing for God. Strange how a few ordinary things can come together and momentarily transform your soul, your heart, your mind. And now, after so many hours have elapsed between me and my beautiful morning, I still long to hang on to the momentary transformation it gave me. I feel the need to grasp it, breathe in it's freshness. It's hard to hold onto transfiguring beauty in the everyday grime and commonplacities of life. And after my moment where everything seemed so clear and right, the road again seems dim and confusing. And there is danger, like so many times before, that being unsure, I will not dare to put one foot in front of the other.

"And indeed there will be time
To wonder, 'Do I dare?' and, 'Do I dare?'"

Easy and Delicious.

We tend to eat a lot of salads. Ben doesn't like vegetables very much, but he does like salad and I love it. We enjoy simple salads, usually just romaine lettuce and tomato. Sometimes I grill chicken on the George Foreman, and the salad is our meal. Recently I've made a simple and tasty addition to our salad eating experiences. Homemade Croutons! They are so easy and they taste so good. I'm not a big fan of the hard, store bought kind, but these are great. Ben loves them. I wasn't expecting much of a reaction the first time I made them, but he liked them so much that I've made them several times, and every time he always asks if there are more than I put on his salad. Here's how to make them.

Buy a loaf of bread from your grocery store's bakery. I like the Italian loaf at the Walmart bakery, but you can use French bread just as easily. If you can find a wheat French loaf, that makes really delicious croutons. Slice the bread at desired thickness, and then cube the slices. Make whatever size croutons you like, and the nice thing about the loaf is you can make as many or little as you need.

Put cubes in a bowl. Drizzle with olive oil and sprinkle whatever seasoning you like. I use a Greek seasoning blend. Toss with your hands or a spoon until all your cubes are coated. Add more oil and seasoning as needed.

Pour cubes onto a cookie sheet (I cover mine in foil for easy clean up). I usually give a last sprinkling of the seasoning when they are spread out. Bake at 400 degrees for 5-7 minutes until they start to brown and get crispy. It's as easy as that! They will make your salad delicious, and you will probably never want to eat the store bought kind again.

Two weeks of crazy busyness.

I'm looking forward to getting some rest this weekend, because the next few weeks will be crazy! Next week is the beginning of the college's registration madness. We are going to be prepping for all things registration. And the week after is registration and the first (partial) week of classes. I think I actually love this time in my job the most. It's busy, but enjoyable. I feel like I accomplish a lot, and I get a lot of extra hours. I will be even busier this time around because I've started my office cleaning job, and so that is thrown into the mix. AND I will be starting the third semester of Hebrew. I'm really looking forward to the next two weeks, even though I know they will probably leave me exhausted.

I'm also excited because extra hours mean some extra moolah. I have some plans for it. I want to buy the rest of my doula books, a new pair of glasses, and maybe surprise Ben with some shoes. He only really has his work boots, which aren't the most comfortable for everyday life. I want to get him some high top red Converse that can be his comfy shoes. And I want to take some of the extra money and open up a savings account. I've been excited about starting my additional job, because I think it will allow us to save a little every month, and this would be a great opportunity to get that savings fund started. Ben will be finishing school in a year and a half (I hope), and it would be great to have a little fund for whatever we end up doing afterward (like moving perhaps...). Or to have the money for doula expenses when I need it. Or for trips to see family. Or whatever, etc.

I will be a little sad for break to be over though. It means Ben and I go back to not much time for just relaxing together. It's been so nice just to spend time enjoying our weekday evenings together. We even went on a date! We may have to go on another one next week, because after that we probably won't get a chance to do that for a while.

Remember my wish list?

My mama got me a Kindle for Christmas. As soon as she told me I was getting a "surprise gift" because I didn't ask for much, I suspected that she was getting me one. I'm actually still a little surprised though, because I barely said anything about it. She is a smart cookie though. I told her Ben wanted a shotgun scabbard, and she knew exactly where to find one and got him one he loves. He actually walks around the apartment with it on. It's kind of adorable. Anyway, about the Kindle...I haven't even had to buy a single book for it yet, because so many are in the public domain that I want to read, which means I can get them for F-R-E-E. Love it. I also got an ESV Bible for free! So excited about that. And it's really not expensive to buy books for it, as far as I've seen. HOWEVER, I am very surprised to find that I can't even BUY Daphne Du Maurier books for it. They just aren't available in Kindle format for some reason. So I guess I will still have to buy a paper copy of Rebecca. But I might get it from this awesome website! It's like a Half Priced Books online! And free shipping! Marvelous.