Wondering.

I've been doing a lot of wondering lately. It feels like we are getting mixed signals.

Mainly I've been wondering if Colorado Springs is just a temporary thing for us. There are things that seem to say we should stay, and other things...not that say we should go, but that make me wonder if there is some other season we are waiting here/preparing for.

Colorado Springs Pros:

• It *looks* like I am a shoo in for a part time church secretary job that I would most likely be able to take the baby to.

• We like our church and have been getting involved in the youth group with some mild success. The retreat we went on did help us get to know the kids more, and we actually enjoyed it. My heart really warmed to these youth group kids.

• Ben's family is here. This is a pro, but it is not necessarily one that makes me think we have to stay here.

Colorado Springs Cons:

• I don't like living here. But the mountains, the beauty, right? Eh...We've realized it's too big of a town for us. The mountains are beautiful, but I could live without them without too much of a wrench. 

• I don't know that we could ever afford to live on our own here. It's an expensive place to live. Even if we could, there is not a single area in this town, in the whole half hour that it spans from north to south, that I would want to live in. 

• So far Ben CANNOT find a job. He couldn't get a job at Lowes or Kohls that was the exact same job he had done for 3 years at Walmart. He couldn't get a job as a substitute custodian for one of the school districts. He's applied for several others, without any sort of bites. I know that we depend on God, not the job market, but it just makes me wonder. If Ben can't find a job, then it sort of nullifies the fact that I am able to get a part time job. 

Things certainly seem unclear from our perspective. I know God has it all in His hands. At this point it seems like all we can do is wait for His plans to be revealed. Perhaps they will have the same gestational period as this baby. It would be kind of fitting for the next step to come after the baby is born, since Ben got laid off right before we found out I was pregnant.

Update part 2

So it feels like crazy timing to find out you are pregnant two days after your husband gets laid off from his job. But we felt like because of how impossible the whole situation seemed, that it must be God at work in our lives. We still believe that.

The week following was crazy and busy. I was still working, but I was off in the afternoons. We used the afternoons to get our Colorado driver's licenses (to establish residency), get my pregnancy confirmed at the crisis pregnancy center, and get signed up for food stamps and medicaid.

Here's the amazing thing. If I had gotten pregnant while Ben was working we would have been paying for everything out of pocket. We didn't have insurance, and we wouldn't have qualified for medicaid. As it is, we  won't have to pay anything to have this baby. Not a single cent. AND, even if Ben gets a job that "disqualifies" us, it doesn't matter. I can't lose the coverage because I qualified at the beginning of pregnancy. I am covered up to my 6 weeks postpartum appointment and the baby is covered for a full year. It's kind of unbelievable. It was a huge blessing that came out of this situation that didn't seem ideal.

Fast forward to now. I'm still at my temporary job that was only supposed to last two to three weeks. Ben is still unemployed. We certainly have been taken care of, but it hasn't been easy. My pregnancy has been an interesting time. I'm so happy to be pregnant and we are so excited for the baby. But it has been a very painful time as well. It's been a learning and growing experience in regards to trusting God. We haven't been able to buy anything for the baby, and we probably won't be able to for a while still. The only reason I have any maternity clothes is because my mom bought me some. We don't live in our own place. We live in a motor home/my in-laws house. It was the plan...but not the plan to do it with a baby. I also underestimated the strain this would end up being on me as an introvert. I've really had to let go of a lot of how I want things to be. Ben has been so helpful and supportive. He lets me vent, but he also reminds me we have a lot to be thankful for. I think it's been hard for him because I've been upset so much and I cry a lot. It is hard for him to see me sad.

Our church life has been going pretty well. We've started to volunteer with the youth group. We are actually going as sponsors on a weekend retreat. I am...not very good at doing this so far. I am still very shy, and I'm not any better at interacting with teenagers than I am with adults. Ben seems to be a little better at than me. He is also playing drums for the youth band. I'm hoping going on this retreat will help me build some relationships with the kids. This is something that I definitely never saw myself doing.

I don't know at all how things will play out in the next few months. Ben has put in a lot of applications and the only interview he has gotten has been to be a substitute custodian in the school district. But he hasn't even heard back from that interview. I may be getting a permanent part time job as a church secretary at a church that's close to home. I would probably even be able to take the baby with me for a while, which would be great. I am certainly very curious to see where the next few months take us. My pregnancy isn't flying by, but I have a feeling this baby's arrival will find me completely unprepared...

Update Part 1

So when we last left off our saga, I was going to go to Washington. I went and had a wonderful time. It was go great to be with my family in the state I love. It was hard to come back to Colorado, even with missing Ben.

 But come back I did, and resumed my job search. And had no luck. For a long time. Finally, I got on with a temp agency and was given an assignment. It seemed pretty providential because it was as a receptionist at a Christian organization. The downsides were that it was half an hour away, it was part time, and it was only supposed to last two to three weeks. But finally, at least it was something! I started on a Monday morning in October.

Going forward a couple of days to Thursday...Ben comes home...and tells me he got laid off. This wasn't totally unexpected. What was unexpected was that his brother was also laid off, but that doesn't really play too much into our story. Mainly it just establishes that EVERYONE in the family was sort of freaking out. Except for me and Ben. Ben because he is very steady and has a super power of trusting God. Me because I just had a strange peace about it. His mom was stressing out like crazy and she kept trying to give me assurances that she need much more than I did. For some reason I felt fine about it.

MEANWHILE. I was supposed to have "that time of the month" start on Wednesday. It didn't. It didn't start on Thursday either. Or Friday. No big deal, I'd been late before. Friday evening, I had some cramping but still nothing. That was a little unusual for me. I had a pregnancy test already, so I decided that if I hadn't started by the time I got up on Saturday I would take it. Not because I thought I was really pregnant, but just so I wouldn't have the torturing thoughts about it until I started.

It may help you to know that during the past months I had found out about a billion of my friends were pregnant, including three of my very best friends. Even though Ben and I weren't trying and weren't planning on trying for quite a while, this had been hard on me emotionally. It seemed to be something that was beyond my control. I was in favor of waiting, but my emotions were not. I had feelings of jealousy, guilt over being jealous, and frustration with myself because Ben and I both agreed that we should wait. It was a confusing time.

I woke up on Saturday and there was still nothing happening. So I grabbed the test I had, and went inside to the bathroom. I peed on the stick, and waited the 3 minutes. Still feeling nonchalant, because I was sure there was no way I could be pregnant because of timing issues, I picked up the test. There were two lines. In addition to the control line, there was another fainter line. But it was there. I was shocked. I think I said out loud, "That's not possible." I just stared at it. There was no way there could be two lines. But there they were.

I ran out to the camper. Ben was still sleeping up in the loft. I started saying his name and trying to wake him up as soon as I got in there. I told him I needed to show him something. I stood on the ladder and held the test out to him. I had been shaking really hard since I left the bathroom. He was barely awake but he took it and looked at. Then he looked at me. "Are you pregnant?" "I think I might be."

Of course as it turns out, I was. And am. Currently half way through. There is more to say, but this is getting long so I am going to stop here and do a part 2.

Blogging. It's a bit of an enigma to me. What makes a good blog? How do I make my blog interesting enough to be read? Do I really care if anyone other than friends read it anyway? How the heck could I get the picture at the top to go all the way across? 

I do think blogging can be a fun way to get to know someone. There are some girls I met in person only briefly, but I have been able to get to know and enjoy them a little more through their blogs and facebook. And in this time when I have but few friends where I am, who I don't see that often, maybe blogging is what I need. I think I will do an update blog, because life has been sort of crazy since my last post. 

But for now, I was nominated for an award by Sarah! Cool right? 

Here are the rules:

This award is given to new or up and coming bloggers who have less than 200 followers...the award is then passed along to other bloggers in the same category to help spread the word and support one another.

1. Each blogger should post 11 random facts about themselves.

2. Answer the questions the tagger has set for you, and then create

11 new questions for the bloggers you pass the award to.

3. Choose 11 new bloggers (with less than 200 followers)

to pass the award to and link them in your post.

4. Go back to their page and tell them about the award.

5. No tag backs.

11 Random facts about me. 

1. I have a fish phobia. I can't handle being in water that has fish in it, I don't even like to be in aquariums. 

2. I love Sherlock Holmes. I have read all the stories. I love the movies with Robert Downey Jr. I love the BBC show. 

3. I really want to live in a rural area. But I want it to be a reasonable distance from a less rural area. That seems to be something I took away from my time in Missouri. 

4. I have a hard time wanting to watch movies or TV shows I've never seen. I would rather watch something I know and love. 

5. I've been dying my hair red with henna for about 6 years now. I love being a red head!

6. There are two sounds I can't stand. The sound of animals (especially dogs) licking, and the sound of people rubbing their feet on carpet. They drive me crazy. 

7. I'm not a morning or night person. I'm not sure I have a best time of the day. 

8. I just recently found my favorite ice cream after not being able to find it for years. It's Ben & Jerry's Oatmeal Cookie Chunk. Cinnamon ice cream, soft oatmeal cookie chunks, and chocolate chunks. NO RAISINS. 

9. I can't cook in a dirty or messy kitchen. I have to do the dishes and straighten up before I can start. 

10. My dream car is an old Jeep Wagoneer with wood paneling. 

11. Rainy days energize me. 

1. What are you last 5 Google Searches?
1. Caffeine while breastfeeding. I am very interested in this, because (spoiler alert) I am having a baby in June and I soooo want to get an iced raspberry mocha (or several) from my favorite coffee hut. And summer is the magical time of the mocha coconut frapuccino from Starbucks.
2. Cookie bars. I was craving something sweet, but we are out of $ at the moment. I was looking for something other than cookie cookies that I could make with ingredients already available. But then I was too lazy to follow through. 

3. Kingdom Hearts walkthrough. My husband likes video games. Sometimes we play them together and it actually makes for a fun bonding experience. Right now he's having me play Kingdom Hearts. A walkthrough, for those not versed in video game terminology, is just a guide to help you know what to do. Which I need often. 

4&5. I don't remember that far back, but almost certainly something pregnancy related. 

2. What is your first memory?
I have a lot of old vague memories, and I'm not sure which order they go in. So I will just pick one. Putting chips on a tuna fish sandwich with my brother. 

3. What is one decision you have made that you will never regret?
Following Christ. I know it's the obvious answer, but it is really true. After a couple of years of some rebellion, I had to make the decision to abandon or recommit to my faith. I chose to recommit. I am sure it is the best thing I ever could have done. 

4. What's one thing you would try if you knew for sure you'd be great at it?
Owning a little tea house/shop. I would so love to create the menu and fill the shop with adorable handmade items. I know there's a lot more to it, but I still think it would be so cool. 

5. "The Notebook". Yes or No?
No. Didn't care for it. 

6. What would you do if you had $1 million, but only an hour to spend it?
Easy! Pay off all our student loans, my mom's student loans, order baby stuff...basically a lot of online ordering. 

7. What is your dream job?
A stay at home mom who is also a doula. 

8. Do you believe in "love at first sight"?
No. Definitely infatuation at first sight. I believe love is a commitment you make. 

9. What did you want to grow up to be when you were a kid?
A ballerina, an artist. 

10. If you could change one thing about your wedding day, what would it be?
The food. I was thinking the other day we should have had it catered by Chik Fil Et or Chipotle. 

11. What is your idea of the perfect vacation?
A road trip with my husband, with plenty of time and money. At the moment I really want to road trip to Monument Valley, Utah. I went there once with a friend and it was amazing. 

Sooo, I don't have that many people to tag that fit the requirements. Here's a couple. I doubt they will do it. But read my husband's blog because he's funny and brilliant. 

Here's the questions I would ask:

1. What would make up a perfect day for you?
2. What is your all time favorite beverage?
3. Who has been the most influential person in your life? 
4. You are designing your own T-Shirt. What is on it? 
5. Your house is on fire. You have time to grab family, pets, and all the practical stuff (papers, $, etc) plus one impractial thing. What impractical thing do you grab? 
6. Do you eat at the table or on the couch?
7. Alaskan cruise or tropical cruise?
8. What is one thing you know how to cook really well?
9. If you were able to take a class on anything, what class would you take? 
10. Does bigfoot exist?
11. Toilet paper over or under? 

Benjamin
Megan