Benaiah's Birth Story

It's been a while since I posted anything, and our baby is now here. This is how he came into the world. 

We went into the hospital to be induced at 5:30 am on Tuesday June 25. We checked in and got settled and they started me on pitocin. Not much happened between that and my doctor showing up to check on me. She checked my cervix (note: the whole time I labored my cervix didn't move forward so every check was pretty excruciating) and I was 50% effaced and at about 1 or 1 ½ dilated. I had been that since 27 weeks, despite all the contracting I had been doing. 

My doctor decided to give me a different drug to soften and help dilate my cervix instead of the pitocin. It was inserted in me instead of given through IV. And I was allowed to eat while on it, which I wouldn't have been with pitocin. I took full advantage of being able to eat, since I knew the time would come that they wouldn't let me. I was able to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner while that drug was administered. I got 3 doses of it 3 hours apart. My contractions got going pretty regularly, and were getting progressively stronger. By the time dinner came around, I didn't really feel like eating anymore, which I took as good sign that I was really getting into labor. A while after the last dose, they started me on pitocin again. I hadn't really dilated anymore, but I had softened and effaced. At this point things start to get a little more blended together in my memory. 

The contractions really got going and they were long. They would last 2-3 minutes sometimes, and they usually had very little time between them. I also began to have pretty bad back labor. My nurse tried helping me to get him to move by tilting me back in the bed. The tilting seemed to work, and he seemed to be in a much better position. I believe it was at this point my doctor came back to check me. At first she said I wasn't progressed enough to break my water, but then she changed her mind and went ahead. This was an incredibly painful experience. I was supposed to stay semi-reclined for half an hour so that the cord didn't prolapse. I did that, but by the time half an hour had elapsed I really had to pee, so I got up to do that. I think I may have gotten on the birth ball around this time. I noticed that my back labor had returned, and my nurse suggested side lunging on a chair to encourage him to move. I tried that, but it didn't seem to work. 

From there on the contractions were very difficult to get through because they were so long and had barely any time between. My mom and Ben were awesome about encouraging me and helping me breathe through the contractions. Eventually, I reached a point where I just couldn't stay on top of the contractions. The back labor was so painful. I tried a bunch of different positions and my mom even tried applying counter pressure, but nothing made them manageable. I got to the point where I was struggling to breathe through them because all I could do was whimper. I told my mom that I thought I wanted an epidural. She told the nurse, and I signed the form (I'm not sure how). My poor mother (she had such a hard time watching me go through pain) left for the epidural and Ben stayed to help me. The doctor showed up, and she was so sweet (I got to see her again later). I was still having to breathe through the contractions of course. I sat on the edge of the bed and tried to curve my back according to their instructions. She numbed my back and then started trying to get the epidural catheter in. I think she tried 3 times without being able to get it in. I started to worry I wasn't going to be able to have it. At that point she had me get in the fetal position to try that way. Going through contractions in that position was the most painful experience of my life. It was so hard, but I knew all I could do was just breathe through it. I heard the nurse and doctor comment on how controlled I was. Finally she got the catheter in and the epidural got going. I also had to have a urinary catheter. 

The relief was incredible. I could still feel some pressure and discomfort, but definitely manageable. We all tried to get some sleep at this point. I'm not sure how much rest I got before my nurse came in and looked at the monitor, followed by at least 3 other nurses. They all started doing different things and told me to flip over onto my hands and knees. They took of the belly monitors and put in internal monitors. I was really thankful for the epidural, because I felt the pressure of what they were doing but no pain. They had paged the on call doctor and she came in. They gave me something to relax my uterus so I wouldn't have contractions. By this time I was absolutely terrified because I had no idea what was going on. The doctor told me that the baby's heart rate had dropped very low, for a long time. She said that normally they give the baby a couple of times to have a problem before they do something, but my baby's heart rate drop was so drastic that if he did it again she was going to take me for a c-section. This was not what I had ever wanted to hear. At that moment though I had been so terrified by the thought of something going wrong with the baby that I decided I didn't care if it took a c-section to get him out safely. The baby being okay was all I cared about. 

At this point everybody left again and my nurse turned out the lights so we could all get some rest while we waited to start pitocin again. It was then I started crying. Ben came over to talk to me and see how I was. I told him that that had scared me so bad, and I didn't care if I had to have a c-section, I just wanted the baby to be safe. He was proud of me for the way I was handling the potential bad news. Eventually they started me on the pitocin again. I'm not sure how long I was on it before the second rush of nurses came in. My mom had just gone into the bathroom. By the time she came out Ben was suiting up in scrubs so he could come with me. They wheeled me to operating room. Again I was thankful to already have the epidural catheter so we didn't have to deal with that before they could get started. Ben had to wait outside while they prepped me. It felt like I was waiting forever him to come in, but the doctor who gave me the epidural was at my head talking to me and that helped me to not feel so bad. I was shaking hard and uncontrollably at this point. I was scared for the baby, but I was also really scared about having surgery. Finally Ben was allowed to come in. He came and sat behind me. I still felt so scared so I asked him to just put his hand on me somewhere. He touched my face I think, and they got going on my surgery. I couldn't feel pain, but I felt the pressure of what they were doing. During some of the tugging on my insides I was making really weird noises because it just felt so strange. 

They pulled the baby out, I heard him cry and felt such a rush of emotion started crying. It turned out that he had the cord around his neck and it had nearly prolapsed. That was why his heart rate dropped with the strong contractions. The doctor also told my doctor that she thought I would've had to have a c-section no matter what because of the way the baby was coming down. Ben went over to see the baby. Eventually he brought him over for me to see. I gave Benaiah a kiss and told him I was gonna be his mama. Then the Bens had to go up to nursery and I went to recovery. My nurse was taking care of me there. She was awesome, and it made me feel better to have her there. As I was laying there I felt true relief that it was all over. My heart rate was still really high so my nurse told me to think of something calming. I thought about how wonderful Ben had been during the whole process, and I thought about how I would get to hold my baby soon. That did the trick. I asked my nurse some questions about my recovery since I didn't know all that much about c-section recovery. And I also was able to get some sleep. I was there about an hour.

Then I was wheeled up to the mom/baby ward. My mom was waiting for me in hallway and she came in with me. I saw my Bens through the nursery window. I was wheeled to my room, scooched over into my bed. My baby was brought in and they handed to me. This was my first time to hold my baby. I kissed his perfect little face and fell in love.

An update. And the questions I don't want to face.

It's been a while since I've written, as tends to happen. Since my last post, Ben was hired by Dish Network, and has been working there for a little over a month. He is still teaching middle school Sunday School, which has been quite the adventure and we've been learning a lot through it. We started a young adult Bible study on Friday nights. I was chosen for the job I interviewed for, but we are unsure now what exactly will be happening with that because of the life circumstances of the person who is currently in that position. My temp job will for sure be ending in two weeks. We are about 8 weeks away from baby. And we are still in my in-law's house with no prospect of being anywhere else any time soon.

And there lies the main source of stress and frustration in my life. We are coming up on a year of living here, and part of the difficulty in being in this situation that we initially chose for ourselves, is that we haven't accomplished anything we intended by it and now we are essentially stuck.

This past weekend Ben and I spent a little time working on the room we're in, and I will admit to one crying breakdown. I've been working on having a good attitude, and making do with our situation, and coming up with ideas for being organized, but sometimes the lack of space we have gets to me. We don't even have use of the closet of the room we are in, and putting the bassinet in the room this weekend triggered me feeling overwhelmed by my inability to "nest" in the way I would want. 

I know that this situation is teaching and shaping me. Or at least that is what it is supposed to be doing. I need to learn to be content. Contentment is a constant struggle for me. Which is probably why I am being put in a situation I don't like and can't change. It's for my good. It's discipline to teach me, to make me better. And truthfully, I hate it. Changing this part of me comes very painfully. 

Those changes, however, feel more passive in nature. They are quiet and internal. What I haven't wanted to face, are the changes that I may need to make that actually require me to go outside of myself. Unless you have been in the exact situation, you can't understand how difficult, painful, tiring it is for an extreme introvert (me) to live with an extreme extrovert (Ben's mom). There is no true rest, because there is always the risk of intrusion. I haven't been comfortable in a year. Times of recovery are very rare. And I reach points where I just have no more to give. Between my job (receptionist) and home life I get spread too thin. And then I'm in a bad mood. And I've never been able to hide how I feel, it writes itself all over my face. And not saying much is the only way I can keep from being rude. But those things are taken as rude from an extrovert who is not intuitive. 

And it's difficult to not let resentments grow. I know we can't afford to live on our own in this area. And I'm not sure I would even want to put down roots here. I don't like this area very much. But it feels like we are expected to stay so Ben's family can be around our baby like they've been around his brothers'. The difference is that their wives' families also live here. Mine doesn't. It isn't like I don't have family I'd like to be closer to. At times I truly feel like we are expected to eventually buy a house a few minutes away from his parents (like both of his brothers did). I want to be angry and hurt about this. I want to be resentful.

And so when I find myself stretched, strained, and exhausted the last question I want to ask myself is, "What am I supposed to be doing for others while I'm in this situation? How am I supposed to be serving?"  How can I serve and give when I can barely keep it together enough to be polite? I. Don't. Want. To. It isn't in me. It's beyond what I can do. And even allowing God to do it through me by His strength sounds so hard. It doesn't sound like easy burden or a light yoke. And I resist. I so badly do not want to give in to this. I don't want to die to myself in this way. I wish I had a positive note to end this on, like "but I'm working on it." But the truth is that I'm just still in that attitude. I don't know when or how I will get out of it. I don't even want to be ready to let go. I don't even want to want to. Maybe acknowledging all this will help move me in the right direction.  

Some blessings.

I've received a lot of encouragement and blessings over the the past few days. I think I have been growing, because my appreciation for them is very deep. Coming to terms with the fact that I am not owed anything by God was very humbling to me. The things that have come about recently I know were not owed, but graciously granted.

My grandma was in town, which was a big blessing in and of itself. Since we got married, the opportunities to see my family have been more sparse, and I miss them so much. Getting to spend a couple of days with her was wonderful. In addition to the blessing of just getting to be with her, she took me shopping while she was here. I was able to pick out some things I liked and wanted for the baby. I haven't really been able to do that the whole time I've been pregnant. We are certainly receiving things and are able to borrow some of what we need (also a blessing), but it was a joy to be able to actually pick some stuff out myself.

Someone (anonymous) at work, for several days, left me a sweet note and gift on my desk in the morning. It was so loving and kind, and was a true blessing to my heart.

Ben heard back from his DISH Network interview. He is moving on in the process (checking references, urine test). This was very encouraging to us both.

Ben was able to teach Sunday School to middle school students this past Sunday. It was exciting for him to have a chance to teach (his passion) and to have another ministry opportunity. He was only asked to do it for that Sunday, but I noticed an announcement in the bulletin that they were looking for people for that very role. He expressed his interest, and now he is going to be teaching every Sunday! I truly could not be more thrilled about this. I was hoping (feeling) something more would come from him teaching that one Sunday, and this blessing feels immense. It feels like we are really moving along the path we are supposed to be on. It feels so good to see God working.

And yesterday afternoon was just a gift. It was so beautiful out when I got home from work. We took a short walk with a friend to a local coffee shop and treated ourselves to a drink. It was a delight to my soul.

As grateful as I am for these blessings, in my reflections I am also very grateful for the hard times we have been going through. They have been painful. But they are bearing fruit in us. And that is more important than anything. It is good to serve a just, wise, kind God.

Being Built

Our boy's name is Benaiah. It is Hebrew, and means "The Lord builds up." We had some friends have a baby recently, and they didn't officially choose her name until they saw her. After learning this, Ben(jamin) expressed concern that we would see our baby and realize that Benaiah didn't fit him. But I know the child I am carrying is Benaiah, and told him so.
Today I was thinking of the connection of his name and the circumstances surrounding my pregnancy. The Lord has been breaking me down...to build me up into what he wants me to be. All the while building this child inside of me. This boy was no accident, and neither is his name. There is a plan for him, and a plan for me and Ben. I don't know what that is. I don't even know what the next step is. But I can have hope. These painful months of being broken again and again don't lack purpose. Because God's hand has done the breaking, I know it will do the building. And there is no better craftsman.

Up and Down

I'm all over the place these days. I'm a crier in the best of times, and add on pregnancy, unemployment, less than ideal living situation...wooo boy. I'm almost positive I haven't gone a full week this pregnancy without crying.
Some days hours I feel hopeful and positive, and then everything seems to come crashing down. It's a struggle to continue trusting God and focusing on truth when we seem to get the legs kicked out from under us every couple of days. But I guess that's the lesson I am supposed to be learning. I think I maybe be making progress at a snails pace.
Life has been at a bit of a standstill, other than the fact that our babe and my stomach are growing day by day. But change may be coming. Ben and I both have job interviews today. No matter what, my temp job will most likely end next month. But even these horizons are tinged with misgivings. Do I hope that Ben gets a part time job that probably won't cover even our school loan bills? I guess I have to, since it's better than nothing. My job prospect that looked so perfect is now in a doubtful light. I can't deny that, to me, even our best prospects seem discouraging.
And it's hard to remember that God has our best in mind in His plan. And it's hard to be thankful for what we have when I feel like we deserve better. But those are the works that are (painfully) being worked in me.
Confusion, chaos, clutter, uncertainty...these are the things that cause someone with my personality so much grief. And that is what our life is filled to the brim with these days. And I have to let go of my perfect vision for how things should be.

Wondering.

I've been doing a lot of wondering lately. It feels like we are getting mixed signals.

Mainly I've been wondering if Colorado Springs is just a temporary thing for us. There are things that seem to say we should stay, and other things...not that say we should go, but that make me wonder if there is some other season we are waiting here/preparing for.

Colorado Springs Pros:

• It *looks* like I am a shoo in for a part time church secretary job that I would most likely be able to take the baby to.

• We like our church and have been getting involved in the youth group with some mild success. The retreat we went on did help us get to know the kids more, and we actually enjoyed it. My heart really warmed to these youth group kids.

• Ben's family is here. This is a pro, but it is not necessarily one that makes me think we have to stay here.

Colorado Springs Cons:

• I don't like living here. But the mountains, the beauty, right? Eh...We've realized it's too big of a town for us. The mountains are beautiful, but I could live without them without too much of a wrench. 

• I don't know that we could ever afford to live on our own here. It's an expensive place to live. Even if we could, there is not a single area in this town, in the whole half hour that it spans from north to south, that I would want to live in. 

• So far Ben CANNOT find a job. He couldn't get a job at Lowes or Kohls that was the exact same job he had done for 3 years at Walmart. He couldn't get a job as a substitute custodian for one of the school districts. He's applied for several others, without any sort of bites. I know that we depend on God, not the job market, but it just makes me wonder. If Ben can't find a job, then it sort of nullifies the fact that I am able to get a part time job. 

Things certainly seem unclear from our perspective. I know God has it all in His hands. At this point it seems like all we can do is wait for His plans to be revealed. Perhaps they will have the same gestational period as this baby. It would be kind of fitting for the next step to come after the baby is born, since Ben got laid off right before we found out I was pregnant.

Update part 2

So it feels like crazy timing to find out you are pregnant two days after your husband gets laid off from his job. But we felt like because of how impossible the whole situation seemed, that it must be God at work in our lives. We still believe that.

The week following was crazy and busy. I was still working, but I was off in the afternoons. We used the afternoons to get our Colorado driver's licenses (to establish residency), get my pregnancy confirmed at the crisis pregnancy center, and get signed up for food stamps and medicaid.

Here's the amazing thing. If I had gotten pregnant while Ben was working we would have been paying for everything out of pocket. We didn't have insurance, and we wouldn't have qualified for medicaid. As it is, we  won't have to pay anything to have this baby. Not a single cent. AND, even if Ben gets a job that "disqualifies" us, it doesn't matter. I can't lose the coverage because I qualified at the beginning of pregnancy. I am covered up to my 6 weeks postpartum appointment and the baby is covered for a full year. It's kind of unbelievable. It was a huge blessing that came out of this situation that didn't seem ideal.

Fast forward to now. I'm still at my temporary job that was only supposed to last two to three weeks. Ben is still unemployed. We certainly have been taken care of, but it hasn't been easy. My pregnancy has been an interesting time. I'm so happy to be pregnant and we are so excited for the baby. But it has been a very painful time as well. It's been a learning and growing experience in regards to trusting God. We haven't been able to buy anything for the baby, and we probably won't be able to for a while still. The only reason I have any maternity clothes is because my mom bought me some. We don't live in our own place. We live in a motor home/my in-laws house. It was the plan...but not the plan to do it with a baby. I also underestimated the strain this would end up being on me as an introvert. I've really had to let go of a lot of how I want things to be. Ben has been so helpful and supportive. He lets me vent, but he also reminds me we have a lot to be thankful for. I think it's been hard for him because I've been upset so much and I cry a lot. It is hard for him to see me sad.

Our church life has been going pretty well. We've started to volunteer with the youth group. We are actually going as sponsors on a weekend retreat. I am...not very good at doing this so far. I am still very shy, and I'm not any better at interacting with teenagers than I am with adults. Ben seems to be a little better at than me. He is also playing drums for the youth band. I'm hoping going on this retreat will help me build some relationships with the kids. This is something that I definitely never saw myself doing.

I don't know at all how things will play out in the next few months. Ben has put in a lot of applications and the only interview he has gotten has been to be a substitute custodian in the school district. But he hasn't even heard back from that interview. I may be getting a permanent part time job as a church secretary at a church that's close to home. I would probably even be able to take the baby with me for a while, which would be great. I am certainly very curious to see where the next few months take us. My pregnancy isn't flying by, but I have a feeling this baby's arrival will find me completely unprepared...