Selfish.

I seem to be in a period of...I'm not sure what it is a period of actually. But I am coming face to face with my ugliness. I think this is a good time for me, though it isn't easy. I am really learning, and I want to be a better woman than I am. Oh how I hope that learning takes root and bears fruit in my life.

Basically, I'm realizing how lazy and selfish I am. Don't misunderstand me, I'm truly not just out to beat myself up, I'm not fishing for any cries of opposition. I'm a woman coming to terms with the sin that is in my life, and my need for God to do anything good.
Lately, I've been miserable. Somehow, I've managed to lose all my heart and focus to love and help others, and turned my focus inward. That is a sure formula for a miserable, unfulfilled life. TRUST ME.

As this becomes clearer to me, my question for God is...what's my next step? How do I change? I don't think that there is any splendid or surprising answer. I believe it will be in small, but difficult steps, doing what I already know to be right. Turning my heart and mind from myself to God and others. Friends, pray for me. Pray that I have the strength to win these small but important victories.

Contentment.

Being content is not something that is easy. I don't think it's something that we can ever perfect. I think it's one of those things, that just when you think you've managed to reach it, discontentment and restlessness comes sneaking up behind you. At least it's that way with me. And most of the time, I don't think I've reached it. I know I want the next thing, or something different.

I keep coming back to this, but one of the areas this is truest in my life is with having children. I'm satisfied with waiting...sometimes. I have my doula goal before me. And I have two clients to motivate me (it is unlikely/impossible that I could perform the duties I would need to pregnant). And it's just not the right season for us. But I see someone else's belly picture, and my resolve and patience go out the window. It's so weird.

The other area it's the biggest challenge is living in Moberly. I've been here on and off for college for 5 years, and consistently living here after graduating (Ben is still working on his degree) for close to two. It will end up being three post-graduation, with a grand total of 8 years (at least) when all is said and done. There are definite positives to my life here, but it has never been a place that I wanted to end up for good. It's never resonated as home. And I don't think it will be. Sometimes I'm content, and can even find the beauty around me. But sometimes...well, I just get tired of it and feel soooo ready to move on.

Anyway, all that being said, I do want to continue to strive to be content whatever my life circumstances are.

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength."

Philippians 4:12-13

Challenging verses. I haven't even had to deal with being hungry or being in need. There is always more selfishness in me that can be worked out.

Happy Home

Ben and I are *planning* on waiting to have children until he is finished with school. I also want to wait until I have completed my doula certification, because it would really hard to do while pregnant/being a new mom. Sometimes my motherly instincts overwhelm me, and I long to have children. To see the beautiful face of our (future) baby. To hug my own sweet little child close. When I think about having kids with Ben, one of the things that brings me joy is that I will be able to raise children in a happy home. I did not grow up in a happy home. I grew up in tension filled powder keg of emotions. I grew up never knowing when my brother or I would get in trouble, or what it would be that would set my dad off. I grew up knowing my parents weren't in love. I grew up with things that children should not be exposed to. I don't have a lot of happy childhood memories. I actually don't have a lot of childhood memories at all. I think I blocked or intentionally forgot things. I have mourned my lost childhood and moved on from it. But I think part of the redemption process for me will be giving my kids what I didn't experience. A childhood of good memories. Parents who love each other. A safe home. I know Ben is going to be a great dad. I hope and pray I will be a good mother.

Tea!

So I made the Himalayan Salted Butter Tea I referenced in my last post. It tasted like drinking Malt-O-Meal. It was weird at first, but after drinking some of it I liked it better. But I think next time I make it I will use less butter and more tea bags. Been liked it also. He may hate vegetables, but he likes to try new things like that with me. It's fun.