I'll be honest...

Looking at myself right now, exactly as I am and where I've come and where I seem to be going...I don't like it. I don't like me. I'm not sure how I got here. Slowly but surely probably. I feel like this happens at least every couple of years. It makes me sad that I can't seem to do better.

I'm in a fair way to becoming a gossip. How ugly. That's not who I want to be. What am I doing?

I feel unsettled and purposeless. I want to give up. I'm tired. I'm more than tired, I'm weary.

I had my two weeks of busyness and they were tough, but I did enjoy them. I was looking forward to settling into my normal schedule. And then I got sick. And then I started my period. And I was left feeling overwhelmed and overly-emotional. I have a high-stress sort of personality as it is, and getting thrown off sends me spinning and feeling like I will never catch up. And then Ben got sick. And missed classes and work. Sigh.

I feel a sad loneliness when I think about friends who are far away, and know I don't really get to be a part of their life anymore. Friendship is hard. I'm not very good at. It's hard to start over with new ones. And my friend who lives next door and who is in almost the exact same place in life as me is going to Taiwan for 9 months. I'm really excited for her adventure, I just know I'll miss her a lot. Like I miss all my friends who have moved from Moberly.

I don't want to sound whiney, and I hope I don't. I'm not really feeling sorry for myself I promise. I'm really mostly just frustrated with myself. I don't think that there is anything wrong with my life that isn't my own fault. I feel pretty self-centered and soul/heart ugly lately.

This morning was beautiful. Still cold, but warm enough that the snow was melting and the streets were wet. The sun was out, and the sky was blue and streaked with clouds. There was something in that sky that contained just the smallest hint of the promise of spring. As I drove down a gravel country road to clean for an elderly lady, the houses, the snow, the sunshine all melted into a beautiful feeling that sank right through me into my cold bones and warmed them with joy and longing for God. Strange how a few ordinary things can come together and momentarily transform your soul, your heart, your mind. And now, after so many hours have elapsed between me and my beautiful morning, I still long to hang on to the momentary transformation it gave me. I feel the need to grasp it, breathe in it's freshness. It's hard to hold onto transfiguring beauty in the everyday grime and commonplacities of life. And after my moment where everything seemed so clear and right, the road again seems dim and confusing. And there is danger, like so many times before, that being unsure, I will not dare to put one foot in front of the other.

"And indeed there will be time
To wonder, 'Do I dare?' and, 'Do I dare?'"

Easy and Delicious.

We tend to eat a lot of salads. Ben doesn't like vegetables very much, but he does like salad and I love it. We enjoy simple salads, usually just romaine lettuce and tomato. Sometimes I grill chicken on the George Foreman, and the salad is our meal. Recently I've made a simple and tasty addition to our salad eating experiences. Homemade Croutons! They are so easy and they taste so good. I'm not a big fan of the hard, store bought kind, but these are great. Ben loves them. I wasn't expecting much of a reaction the first time I made them, but he liked them so much that I've made them several times, and every time he always asks if there are more than I put on his salad. Here's how to make them.

Buy a loaf of bread from your grocery store's bakery. I like the Italian loaf at the Walmart bakery, but you can use French bread just as easily. If you can find a wheat French loaf, that makes really delicious croutons. Slice the bread at desired thickness, and then cube the slices. Make whatever size croutons you like, and the nice thing about the loaf is you can make as many or little as you need.

Put cubes in a bowl. Drizzle with olive oil and sprinkle whatever seasoning you like. I use a Greek seasoning blend. Toss with your hands or a spoon until all your cubes are coated. Add more oil and seasoning as needed.

Pour cubes onto a cookie sheet (I cover mine in foil for easy clean up). I usually give a last sprinkling of the seasoning when they are spread out. Bake at 400 degrees for 5-7 minutes until they start to brown and get crispy. It's as easy as that! They will make your salad delicious, and you will probably never want to eat the store bought kind again.

Two weeks of crazy busyness.

I'm looking forward to getting some rest this weekend, because the next few weeks will be crazy! Next week is the beginning of the college's registration madness. We are going to be prepping for all things registration. And the week after is registration and the first (partial) week of classes. I think I actually love this time in my job the most. It's busy, but enjoyable. I feel like I accomplish a lot, and I get a lot of extra hours. I will be even busier this time around because I've started my office cleaning job, and so that is thrown into the mix. AND I will be starting the third semester of Hebrew. I'm really looking forward to the next two weeks, even though I know they will probably leave me exhausted.

I'm also excited because extra hours mean some extra moolah. I have some plans for it. I want to buy the rest of my doula books, a new pair of glasses, and maybe surprise Ben with some shoes. He only really has his work boots, which aren't the most comfortable for everyday life. I want to get him some high top red Converse that can be his comfy shoes. And I want to take some of the extra money and open up a savings account. I've been excited about starting my additional job, because I think it will allow us to save a little every month, and this would be a great opportunity to get that savings fund started. Ben will be finishing school in a year and a half (I hope), and it would be great to have a little fund for whatever we end up doing afterward (like moving perhaps...). Or to have the money for doula expenses when I need it. Or for trips to see family. Or whatever, etc.

I will be a little sad for break to be over though. It means Ben and I go back to not much time for just relaxing together. It's been so nice just to spend time enjoying our weekday evenings together. We even went on a date! We may have to go on another one next week, because after that we probably won't get a chance to do that for a while.

Remember my wish list?

My mama got me a Kindle for Christmas. As soon as she told me I was getting a "surprise gift" because I didn't ask for much, I suspected that she was getting me one. I'm actually still a little surprised though, because I barely said anything about it. She is a smart cookie though. I told her Ben wanted a shotgun scabbard, and she knew exactly where to find one and got him one he loves. He actually walks around the apartment with it on. It's kind of adorable. Anyway, about the Kindle...I haven't even had to buy a single book for it yet, because so many are in the public domain that I want to read, which means I can get them for F-R-E-E. Love it. I also got an ESV Bible for free! So excited about that. And it's really not expensive to buy books for it, as far as I've seen. HOWEVER, I am very surprised to find that I can't even BUY Daphne Du Maurier books for it. They just aren't available in Kindle format for some reason. So I guess I will still have to buy a paper copy of Rebecca. But I might get it from this awesome website! It's like a Half Priced Books online! And free shipping! Marvelous.