Some blessings.

I've received a lot of encouragement and blessings over the the past few days. I think I have been growing, because my appreciation for them is very deep. Coming to terms with the fact that I am not owed anything by God was very humbling to me. The things that have come about recently I know were not owed, but graciously granted.

My grandma was in town, which was a big blessing in and of itself. Since we got married, the opportunities to see my family have been more sparse, and I miss them so much. Getting to spend a couple of days with her was wonderful. In addition to the blessing of just getting to be with her, she took me shopping while she was here. I was able to pick out some things I liked and wanted for the baby. I haven't really been able to do that the whole time I've been pregnant. We are certainly receiving things and are able to borrow some of what we need (also a blessing), but it was a joy to be able to actually pick some stuff out myself.

Someone (anonymous) at work, for several days, left me a sweet note and gift on my desk in the morning. It was so loving and kind, and was a true blessing to my heart.

Ben heard back from his DISH Network interview. He is moving on in the process (checking references, urine test). This was very encouraging to us both.

Ben was able to teach Sunday School to middle school students this past Sunday. It was exciting for him to have a chance to teach (his passion) and to have another ministry opportunity. He was only asked to do it for that Sunday, but I noticed an announcement in the bulletin that they were looking for people for that very role. He expressed his interest, and now he is going to be teaching every Sunday! I truly could not be more thrilled about this. I was hoping (feeling) something more would come from him teaching that one Sunday, and this blessing feels immense. It feels like we are really moving along the path we are supposed to be on. It feels so good to see God working.

And yesterday afternoon was just a gift. It was so beautiful out when I got home from work. We took a short walk with a friend to a local coffee shop and treated ourselves to a drink. It was a delight to my soul.

As grateful as I am for these blessings, in my reflections I am also very grateful for the hard times we have been going through. They have been painful. But they are bearing fruit in us. And that is more important than anything. It is good to serve a just, wise, kind God.

Being Built

Our boy's name is Benaiah. It is Hebrew, and means "The Lord builds up." We had some friends have a baby recently, and they didn't officially choose her name until they saw her. After learning this, Ben(jamin) expressed concern that we would see our baby and realize that Benaiah didn't fit him. But I know the child I am carrying is Benaiah, and told him so.
Today I was thinking of the connection of his name and the circumstances surrounding my pregnancy. The Lord has been breaking me down...to build me up into what he wants me to be. All the while building this child inside of me. This boy was no accident, and neither is his name. There is a plan for him, and a plan for me and Ben. I don't know what that is. I don't even know what the next step is. But I can have hope. These painful months of being broken again and again don't lack purpose. Because God's hand has done the breaking, I know it will do the building. And there is no better craftsman.

Up and Down

I'm all over the place these days. I'm a crier in the best of times, and add on pregnancy, unemployment, less than ideal living situation...wooo boy. I'm almost positive I haven't gone a full week this pregnancy without crying.
Some days hours I feel hopeful and positive, and then everything seems to come crashing down. It's a struggle to continue trusting God and focusing on truth when we seem to get the legs kicked out from under us every couple of days. But I guess that's the lesson I am supposed to be learning. I think I maybe be making progress at a snails pace.
Life has been at a bit of a standstill, other than the fact that our babe and my stomach are growing day by day. But change may be coming. Ben and I both have job interviews today. No matter what, my temp job will most likely end next month. But even these horizons are tinged with misgivings. Do I hope that Ben gets a part time job that probably won't cover even our school loan bills? I guess I have to, since it's better than nothing. My job prospect that looked so perfect is now in a doubtful light. I can't deny that, to me, even our best prospects seem discouraging.
And it's hard to remember that God has our best in mind in His plan. And it's hard to be thankful for what we have when I feel like we deserve better. But those are the works that are (painfully) being worked in me.
Confusion, chaos, clutter, uncertainty...these are the things that cause someone with my personality so much grief. And that is what our life is filled to the brim with these days. And I have to let go of my perfect vision for how things should be.