Looking at myself right now, exactly as I am and where I've come and where I seem to be going...I don't like it. I don't like me. I'm not sure how I got here. Slowly but surely probably. I feel like this happens at least every couple of years. It makes me sad that I can't seem to do better.
I'm in a fair way to becoming a gossip. How ugly. That's not who I want to be. What am I doing?
I feel unsettled and purposeless. I want to give up. I'm tired. I'm more than tired, I'm weary.
I had my two weeks of busyness and they were tough, but I did enjoy them. I was looking forward to settling into my normal schedule. And then I got sick. And then I started my period. And I was left feeling overwhelmed and overly-emotional. I have a high-stress sort of personality as it is, and getting thrown off sends me spinning and feeling like I will never catch up. And then Ben got sick. And missed classes and work. Sigh.
I feel a sad loneliness when I think about friends who are far away, and know I don't really get to be a part of their life anymore. Friendship is hard. I'm not very good at. It's hard to start over with new ones. And my friend who lives next door and who is in almost the exact same place in life as me is going to Taiwan for 9 months. I'm really excited for her adventure, I just know I'll miss her a lot. Like I miss all my friends who have moved from Moberly.
I don't want to sound whiney, and I hope I don't. I'm not really feeling sorry for myself I promise. I'm really mostly just frustrated with myself. I don't think that there is anything wrong with my life that isn't my own fault. I feel pretty self-centered and soul/heart ugly lately.
I miss you Rach!
ReplyDeleteI'll be praying for you. I've been in that place and know how ugly it can be. It's hard getting rid of yourself and selfishness and focusing on Christ who can heal all.
Anyway, if this snow ever melts we can get together again and share what's going on and hopefully encourage each other.
You and I are much more similar than I had known. I'm feeling the very same way- about everything you've said, truly. That loneliness when you think of not being in a Friend's life like you used to be- the high stress- all of it.
ReplyDeleteI'll say a prayer for you- our God can do what feels impossible to us.