Happy Home

Ben and I are *planning* on waiting to have children until he is finished with school. I also want to wait until I have completed my doula certification, because it would really hard to do while pregnant/being a new mom. Sometimes my motherly instincts overwhelm me, and I long to have children. To see the beautiful face of our (future) baby. To hug my own sweet little child close. When I think about having kids with Ben, one of the things that brings me joy is that I will be able to raise children in a happy home. I did not grow up in a happy home. I grew up in tension filled powder keg of emotions. I grew up never knowing when my brother or I would get in trouble, or what it would be that would set my dad off. I grew up knowing my parents weren't in love. I grew up with things that children should not be exposed to. I don't have a lot of happy childhood memories. I actually don't have a lot of childhood memories at all. I think I blocked or intentionally forgot things. I have mourned my lost childhood and moved on from it. But I think part of the redemption process for me will be giving my kids what I didn't experience. A childhood of good memories. Parents who love each other. A safe home. I know Ben is going to be a great dad. I hope and pray I will be a good mother.