An update. And the questions I don't want to face.

It's been a while since I've written, as tends to happen. Since my last post, Ben was hired by Dish Network, and has been working there for a little over a month. He is still teaching middle school Sunday School, which has been quite the adventure and we've been learning a lot through it. We started a young adult Bible study on Friday nights. I was chosen for the job I interviewed for, but we are unsure now what exactly will be happening with that because of the life circumstances of the person who is currently in that position. My temp job will for sure be ending in two weeks. We are about 8 weeks away from baby. And we are still in my in-law's house with no prospect of being anywhere else any time soon.

And there lies the main source of stress and frustration in my life. We are coming up on a year of living here, and part of the difficulty in being in this situation that we initially chose for ourselves, is that we haven't accomplished anything we intended by it and now we are essentially stuck.

This past weekend Ben and I spent a little time working on the room we're in, and I will admit to one crying breakdown. I've been working on having a good attitude, and making do with our situation, and coming up with ideas for being organized, but sometimes the lack of space we have gets to me. We don't even have use of the closet of the room we are in, and putting the bassinet in the room this weekend triggered me feeling overwhelmed by my inability to "nest" in the way I would want. 

I know that this situation is teaching and shaping me. Or at least that is what it is supposed to be doing. I need to learn to be content. Contentment is a constant struggle for me. Which is probably why I am being put in a situation I don't like and can't change. It's for my good. It's discipline to teach me, to make me better. And truthfully, I hate it. Changing this part of me comes very painfully. 

Those changes, however, feel more passive in nature. They are quiet and internal. What I haven't wanted to face, are the changes that I may need to make that actually require me to go outside of myself. Unless you have been in the exact situation, you can't understand how difficult, painful, tiring it is for an extreme introvert (me) to live with an extreme extrovert (Ben's mom). There is no true rest, because there is always the risk of intrusion. I haven't been comfortable in a year. Times of recovery are very rare. And I reach points where I just have no more to give. Between my job (receptionist) and home life I get spread too thin. And then I'm in a bad mood. And I've never been able to hide how I feel, it writes itself all over my face. And not saying much is the only way I can keep from being rude. But those things are taken as rude from an extrovert who is not intuitive. 

And it's difficult to not let resentments grow. I know we can't afford to live on our own in this area. And I'm not sure I would even want to put down roots here. I don't like this area very much. But it feels like we are expected to stay so Ben's family can be around our baby like they've been around his brothers'. The difference is that their wives' families also live here. Mine doesn't. It isn't like I don't have family I'd like to be closer to. At times I truly feel like we are expected to eventually buy a house a few minutes away from his parents (like both of his brothers did). I want to be angry and hurt about this. I want to be resentful.

And so when I find myself stretched, strained, and exhausted the last question I want to ask myself is, "What am I supposed to be doing for others while I'm in this situation? How am I supposed to be serving?"  How can I serve and give when I can barely keep it together enough to be polite? I. Don't. Want. To. It isn't in me. It's beyond what I can do. And even allowing God to do it through me by His strength sounds so hard. It doesn't sound like easy burden or a light yoke. And I resist. I so badly do not want to give in to this. I don't want to die to myself in this way. I wish I had a positive note to end this on, like "but I'm working on it." But the truth is that I'm just still in that attitude. I don't know when or how I will get out of it. I don't even want to be ready to let go. I don't even want to want to. Maybe acknowledging all this will help move me in the right direction.