Selfish.

I seem to be in a period of...I'm not sure what it is a period of actually. But I am coming face to face with my ugliness. I think this is a good time for me, though it isn't easy. I am really learning, and I want to be a better woman than I am. Oh how I hope that learning takes root and bears fruit in my life.

Basically, I'm realizing how lazy and selfish I am. Don't misunderstand me, I'm truly not just out to beat myself up, I'm not fishing for any cries of opposition. I'm a woman coming to terms with the sin that is in my life, and my need for God to do anything good.
Lately, I've been miserable. Somehow, I've managed to lose all my heart and focus to love and help others, and turned my focus inward. That is a sure formula for a miserable, unfulfilled life. TRUST ME.

As this becomes clearer to me, my question for God is...what's my next step? How do I change? I don't think that there is any splendid or surprising answer. I believe it will be in small, but difficult steps, doing what I already know to be right. Turning my heart and mind from myself to God and others. Friends, pray for me. Pray that I have the strength to win these small but important victories.

Contentment.

Being content is not something that is easy. I don't think it's something that we can ever perfect. I think it's one of those things, that just when you think you've managed to reach it, discontentment and restlessness comes sneaking up behind you. At least it's that way with me. And most of the time, I don't think I've reached it. I know I want the next thing, or something different.

I keep coming back to this, but one of the areas this is truest in my life is with having children. I'm satisfied with waiting...sometimes. I have my doula goal before me. And I have two clients to motivate me (it is unlikely/impossible that I could perform the duties I would need to pregnant). And it's just not the right season for us. But I see someone else's belly picture, and my resolve and patience go out the window. It's so weird.

The other area it's the biggest challenge is living in Moberly. I've been here on and off for college for 5 years, and consistently living here after graduating (Ben is still working on his degree) for close to two. It will end up being three post-graduation, with a grand total of 8 years (at least) when all is said and done. There are definite positives to my life here, but it has never been a place that I wanted to end up for good. It's never resonated as home. And I don't think it will be. Sometimes I'm content, and can even find the beauty around me. But sometimes...well, I just get tired of it and feel soooo ready to move on.

Anyway, all that being said, I do want to continue to strive to be content whatever my life circumstances are.

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength."

Philippians 4:12-13

Challenging verses. I haven't even had to deal with being hungry or being in need. There is always more selfishness in me that can be worked out.

Happy Home

Ben and I are *planning* on waiting to have children until he is finished with school. I also want to wait until I have completed my doula certification, because it would really hard to do while pregnant/being a new mom. Sometimes my motherly instincts overwhelm me, and I long to have children. To see the beautiful face of our (future) baby. To hug my own sweet little child close. When I think about having kids with Ben, one of the things that brings me joy is that I will be able to raise children in a happy home. I did not grow up in a happy home. I grew up in tension filled powder keg of emotions. I grew up never knowing when my brother or I would get in trouble, or what it would be that would set my dad off. I grew up knowing my parents weren't in love. I grew up with things that children should not be exposed to. I don't have a lot of happy childhood memories. I actually don't have a lot of childhood memories at all. I think I blocked or intentionally forgot things. I have mourned my lost childhood and moved on from it. But I think part of the redemption process for me will be giving my kids what I didn't experience. A childhood of good memories. Parents who love each other. A safe home. I know Ben is going to be a great dad. I hope and pray I will be a good mother.

Tea!

So I made the Himalayan Salted Butter Tea I referenced in my last post. It tasted like drinking Malt-O-Meal. It was weird at first, but after drinking some of it I liked it better. But I think next time I make it I will use less butter and more tea bags. Been liked it also. He may hate vegetables, but he likes to try new things like that with me. It's fun.

How sweet it is to be loved by him...

Sorry to be gooey, but this is one of those times when I just want to gush about my husband a little. He is so good to me. He cheers me up when I'm sad, encourages me to keep striving, tells me I'm beautiful all the time...and he handles my crazy like no one else could. I'm crazy about him and some days I just wish I could snuggle and drink tea with him all day long.


He's cute. This is one of my favorite pictures of him. It's very Ben-like.

Speaking of tea...I want to try a this recipe. It's described as tasting like "a bite of buttered toast followed by a mouthful of milky tea”. Mmmm...

And I found these neat tea things on Etsy.


From here.


From here.


From here.

Nice Weekend.

This weekend started out with going to see my friend Sara who was visiting from St.Louis. I went to a lifegroup that she was going to on Friday, and I figured it was going to be kind of awkward, but it actually turned out to be really fun and refreshing. It was really nice to see Sara, and I got to sit and talk with some ladies, some of whom I didn't know very well. We talked about what happened in our week and prayed for each other. And I found out my friend Molly was pregnant. I got to talk a little bit about being a doula, and she asked me to be hers! It was so exciting. And it was nice to talk to people who thought having a doula sounded awesome. They said some things that I would have said to defend/explain the purpose and usefulness of a doula, and it was awesome to hear that from other people. It can be discouraging when people say, "why would you need that?" or "isn't that what a husband is for?" These ladies just got it.

Then on Saturday I went to a ladies tea, and it was also encouraging and refreshing, and a lot of fun! I made scones, citrus curd, and cucumber sandwiches. It was my first time to make all those things, and they all turned out great! All my sandwiches got eaten and a good dent was made in my scones. I always feel good when people eat my food :) It was kind of stressful before the tea, because I had a slight disaster with my citrus curd (apparently your eggs need to be at room temp, and my recipe failed to mention this), I ran shorter on time than I thought, and my friend/neighbor who was supposed to go with me got a nail in her tire and had to get it repaired. But once we got to the tea, things were a lot better. We ate a lot of delicious food, played a pretty hilarious game, and I even won a prize! The "theme" of the tea was shoes, and I got the second most votes for having the best shoes. I won this really cute teacup tea light holder that was on our table.





Corey and I had actually been admiring it when we sat down, so I was really happy I won it! One of my friends gave an encouraging devotion about not comparing your "shoes" with other people. Basically, it was about being content and even excited about being yourself, and not comparing yourself with or criticizing others.

The major bummer of the weekend is laundry. I don't really mind doing laundry, but I have to go to the laundromat to do it and I hate it. I hate having to get my tons of laundry there and back again (especially since our apartment has a lot of stairs), and most of time I have to do it by myself because it's hard to find a good time for Ben to go with me. And they allow smoking in the laundromat. This is something I will never understand. Why allow smoking in a place where people are trying to get their clothes clean? Granted, my clean laundry never ends up smelling like smoke, I guess because I just leave once they are clean and dry. But whatever I am wearing and pretty much my whole person does smell like smoke. Gross. I need to do it today, but I really, really don't want to!

But tonight dinner is going to be homemade broccoli and cheese soup, salad with grilled chicken and homemade croutons! Yum!

Meal Planning...Who does it? I try, but seriously, it's hard. I was surprised. If anyone has tips, I would like some. My ultimate goal is to plan for a whole month! I've started out by doing a couple of meals a week. It works out well because we eat dinner with our friends/neighbors every night, and so usually I cook (or at least plan. We all kind of join in the cooking. Except Ben :) He's not much of a cooker) a couple meals, and they plan a couple. It makes it an easy transition into meal planning, but I still kind of have trouble sometimes.

I've worked out twice this week. Success! I've been doing (fast paced) walking on a treadmill. I like it. I was surprised that I felt good right away from doing it. I didn't today because my apartment was a disaster, and I was going to lose it if I didn't get it cleaned. But I will be back at it tomorrow. I definitely want to work in strengthening exercises for my arms and abs. Jessie posted some on the Being True blog. Check them out if you are looking for some stuff that is easy to do at home. I own weights and an exercise ball, so there is a lot of stuff I can do! I remember some stuff from a class I took at the Y while I was still in college as well. It feels great to be accomplishing a goal, and taking care of myself.