I'll be honest...

Looking at myself right now, exactly as I am and where I've come and where I seem to be going...I don't like it. I don't like me. I'm not sure how I got here. Slowly but surely probably. I feel like this happens at least every couple of years. It makes me sad that I can't seem to do better.

I'm in a fair way to becoming a gossip. How ugly. That's not who I want to be. What am I doing?

I feel unsettled and purposeless. I want to give up. I'm tired. I'm more than tired, I'm weary.

I had my two weeks of busyness and they were tough, but I did enjoy them. I was looking forward to settling into my normal schedule. And then I got sick. And then I started my period. And I was left feeling overwhelmed and overly-emotional. I have a high-stress sort of personality as it is, and getting thrown off sends me spinning and feeling like I will never catch up. And then Ben got sick. And missed classes and work. Sigh.

I feel a sad loneliness when I think about friends who are far away, and know I don't really get to be a part of their life anymore. Friendship is hard. I'm not very good at. It's hard to start over with new ones. And my friend who lives next door and who is in almost the exact same place in life as me is going to Taiwan for 9 months. I'm really excited for her adventure, I just know I'll miss her a lot. Like I miss all my friends who have moved from Moberly.

I don't want to sound whiney, and I hope I don't. I'm not really feeling sorry for myself I promise. I'm really mostly just frustrated with myself. I don't think that there is anything wrong with my life that isn't my own fault. I feel pretty self-centered and soul/heart ugly lately.

This morning was beautiful. Still cold, but warm enough that the snow was melting and the streets were wet. The sun was out, and the sky was blue and streaked with clouds. There was something in that sky that contained just the smallest hint of the promise of spring. As I drove down a gravel country road to clean for an elderly lady, the houses, the snow, the sunshine all melted into a beautiful feeling that sank right through me into my cold bones and warmed them with joy and longing for God. Strange how a few ordinary things can come together and momentarily transform your soul, your heart, your mind. And now, after so many hours have elapsed between me and my beautiful morning, I still long to hang on to the momentary transformation it gave me. I feel the need to grasp it, breathe in it's freshness. It's hard to hold onto transfiguring beauty in the everyday grime and commonplacities of life. And after my moment where everything seemed so clear and right, the road again seems dim and confusing. And there is danger, like so many times before, that being unsure, I will not dare to put one foot in front of the other.

"And indeed there will be time
To wonder, 'Do I dare?' and, 'Do I dare?'"

Easy and Delicious.

We tend to eat a lot of salads. Ben doesn't like vegetables very much, but he does like salad and I love it. We enjoy simple salads, usually just romaine lettuce and tomato. Sometimes I grill chicken on the George Foreman, and the salad is our meal. Recently I've made a simple and tasty addition to our salad eating experiences. Homemade Croutons! They are so easy and they taste so good. I'm not a big fan of the hard, store bought kind, but these are great. Ben loves them. I wasn't expecting much of a reaction the first time I made them, but he liked them so much that I've made them several times, and every time he always asks if there are more than I put on his salad. Here's how to make them.

Buy a loaf of bread from your grocery store's bakery. I like the Italian loaf at the Walmart bakery, but you can use French bread just as easily. If you can find a wheat French loaf, that makes really delicious croutons. Slice the bread at desired thickness, and then cube the slices. Make whatever size croutons you like, and the nice thing about the loaf is you can make as many or little as you need.

Put cubes in a bowl. Drizzle with olive oil and sprinkle whatever seasoning you like. I use a Greek seasoning blend. Toss with your hands or a spoon until all your cubes are coated. Add more oil and seasoning as needed.

Pour cubes onto a cookie sheet (I cover mine in foil for easy clean up). I usually give a last sprinkling of the seasoning when they are spread out. Bake at 400 degrees for 5-7 minutes until they start to brown and get crispy. It's as easy as that! They will make your salad delicious, and you will probably never want to eat the store bought kind again.

Two weeks of crazy busyness.

I'm looking forward to getting some rest this weekend, because the next few weeks will be crazy! Next week is the beginning of the college's registration madness. We are going to be prepping for all things registration. And the week after is registration and the first (partial) week of classes. I think I actually love this time in my job the most. It's busy, but enjoyable. I feel like I accomplish a lot, and I get a lot of extra hours. I will be even busier this time around because I've started my office cleaning job, and so that is thrown into the mix. AND I will be starting the third semester of Hebrew. I'm really looking forward to the next two weeks, even though I know they will probably leave me exhausted.

I'm also excited because extra hours mean some extra moolah. I have some plans for it. I want to buy the rest of my doula books, a new pair of glasses, and maybe surprise Ben with some shoes. He only really has his work boots, which aren't the most comfortable for everyday life. I want to get him some high top red Converse that can be his comfy shoes. And I want to take some of the extra money and open up a savings account. I've been excited about starting my additional job, because I think it will allow us to save a little every month, and this would be a great opportunity to get that savings fund started. Ben will be finishing school in a year and a half (I hope), and it would be great to have a little fund for whatever we end up doing afterward (like moving perhaps...). Or to have the money for doula expenses when I need it. Or for trips to see family. Or whatever, etc.

I will be a little sad for break to be over though. It means Ben and I go back to not much time for just relaxing together. It's been so nice just to spend time enjoying our weekday evenings together. We even went on a date! We may have to go on another one next week, because after that we probably won't get a chance to do that for a while.

Remember my wish list?

My mama got me a Kindle for Christmas. As soon as she told me I was getting a "surprise gift" because I didn't ask for much, I suspected that she was getting me one. I'm actually still a little surprised though, because I barely said anything about it. She is a smart cookie though. I told her Ben wanted a shotgun scabbard, and she knew exactly where to find one and got him one he loves. He actually walks around the apartment with it on. It's kind of adorable. Anyway, about the Kindle...I haven't even had to buy a single book for it yet, because so many are in the public domain that I want to read, which means I can get them for F-R-E-E. Love it. I also got an ESV Bible for free! So excited about that. And it's really not expensive to buy books for it, as far as I've seen. HOWEVER, I am very surprised to find that I can't even BUY Daphne Du Maurier books for it. They just aren't available in Kindle format for some reason. So I guess I will still have to buy a paper copy of Rebecca. But I might get it from this awesome website! It's like a Half Priced Books online! And free shipping! Marvelous.

2011 Goals

I'm not the type of person who makes New Year's Resolutions. I've never really done it. I don't usually make goals for the year either. But I want to make some for this year. One thing I always have wanted to improve about myself is that I don't live very intentionally, either in my life in general or in the day to day. I think that having some goals for the year will help me with that.

So, my goals for this year are:

1. Complete my childbirth and breastfeeding classes. (I have two years from October 2010 to get everything done, but I would like to get all the knowledge I can from class/book learning as soon as possible. That way I can be prepared for my clients, and focus on getting them when I have a good knowledge base.)

2. Complete the minimum required reading for certification. (I only have 3 more that I have to read and I know I can get that done in a year. I will probably read more though, so I feel like getting the actual requirement done will be a good thing. I also want to do this for the reason mentioned in the goal above.)

3. Work out a couple of times a week. (I really want to be more fit and healthy, but I know that you need to have goals that are specific and measurable. I don't really have a weight loss goal that I want to achieve, so I figure this a good goal. And I think it's attainable.)

4. Go on the paddle boats at Rothwell Park. (Ben and I have wanted to go on those for a couple years now, and we've lived here two summers, and have never done it. Silly. This year we will go on them.)

5. Have a picnic date with Ben somewhere pretty. (We don't really go on a lot of dates, which is fine. The way our life works right now it isn't really that doable. But I would like to go on some, so I might as well make a goal for one. I don't want to just go to the park for this either. I want to actually find a cool place, maybe that we've never been.)

6. Read through the Bible at least once and keep a prayer journal. (I'm excited about this one. I think it will be really good for me. I am not great at making sure I'm reading the Bible and praying, and I think part of the problem is not being sure what to read. I think I'll probably read it straight through.)

I think those are all my goals for the year. Start small and reasonable, right?

A Look at 2010

As a new year is approaching I thought I would think over what's happened in this one.

As 2010 began we were heading into the second half of our first year of marriage, and that was when we really seemed to hit our stride. We seemed to have worked out a lot of kinks and made a lot of adjustments, and from then on things just seemed to get better and better.

In February both Ben's brother's sons were born, about a day apart. We gained two adorable nephews!

That spring semester was when we started learning Hebrew, and I got to the point where I was really comfortable with my job. We also started having a Saturday morning Bible study/breakfast at our apartment.

At the beginning of summer we went to Colorado to exchange cars and visit family. We got to meet our nephews for the first time, went to a wedding, and hung out with Amos and Caleb. We exchanged the Ranger for a Saturn. It was weird going from a truck to a really small car.

Summer was HOT and HUMID. The air conditioning in the Saturn didn't work. We had our first anniversary. We ate at Thai Kitchen and went down to see the our friends at the Lake of the Ozarks. I turned 24 and got my own office at work! They surprised me with it on my birthday. I also got a raise. We went out with a lot of friends for sushi on my birthday. I loved it! Best birthday I've had in years. My mom came to visit. We had a great time while she was here. The three of us went to Hannibal. It was the first time Ben and I had gone there. We experienced a lot of Mark Twain, and got very sweaty. Mom and I went to a little tea house in southern Missouri which was really fun. It was so nice having her here. And I believe at some point over the summer was when I decided to start getting serious about working on getting my Doula certification. And Kelly and Caleb moved out of the apartment next door to Columbia.

Fall semester we started our second semester of Hebrew. Our friends Ethan and Corey moved into the apartment next to us.

In October I went to my Doula workshop. It was great. I learned a lot.

November, I got to be a doula for the first time, and fell in love with it. I can't wait until I get to do it again. I brined and cooked a turkey for Thanksgiving. I cut my hair shorter than it's been in years.

December, not much has happened except what was mentioned in the previous post.

So that's my year. I'm sure I've missed a lot. But those are the things that stand out at the moment.